Finding the words

mom sitting on her bit of the river – 2004

Sometimes it’s so easy to find the right words. They flow out of you faster than you can type and God forbid you find yourself away from the computer (or a pad of paper and pen for you old fashion types) when the words come to you.

I’m not usually one to find myself without something to say. But tonight I find myself needing to say something more than ever and not being able to find a single word… not even a tiny word. Actually, that’s a bit of a fib. I can think of a million things to say right now, but what is appropriate? What words, if said, will make me feel better. What words will be read by you and not make you sit there, sad faced, and at a loss of what to comment if a comment is what is warranted. I’ve be thinking about this for well over an hour.

But still, something is inside me, something I want to scream about, kick about, curse about, cry about, hug my best friends and family about, and just lay in bed and forget about.

Life is a beautiful thing, a beautiful, cruel thing. It’s gives you beauty, smiles, fun, beautiful days, happy times, romantic moments, soft touches, kittens (I love kittens), the perfect gifts, Christmas mornings with family, quiet nights in the most comfortable beds on earth, inspiration, creativity, and love. It also takes those things away from you when least want it to. In a moment, those perfect gifts, those Christmas mornings with family can seem only a memory, a very distant, and not obtainable memory. Sometimes life can take those quiet nights in bed, and turn them upside down. Sometimes life can be a cruel thing.

The past 11 months have been a combination of all of the above. My mom, one of my best friends, was diagnosed with brain cancer. For 11 months she has fought and fought and fought. She has put up with shit (pardon the language, we’re all adults here) that I wouldn’t even wish upon my worst enemies, and she did so with an optimism that I couldn’t even imagine having if I were her. Yes, she fought so hard.

I find it hard to think she’s not fighting right now. I find it hard to believe that my sweet mom has nothing left to fight with. I want to believe that inside, she’s kicking and screaming and she’ll get through this. But I know she’s tired and I know that perhaps it’s time for her to get to sit on the sidelines and enjoy the game that comes next, rather than be battered, battled and played against in a game that seems to be rigged against her. And while tears stream down my cheeks and fall onto my hands while typing this, I know that those tears are a part of life that belongs in the list above.

If I don’t post for a few days, it’s because I’m spending time with my mom, the fighter, during her last moments in the game.

Mom – I love you. I couldn’t have become what I am today without your love, your support, and the amazing way you lived each day.

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10 thoughts on “Finding the words

  1. Michelle says:

    Erin, you are so loved. I know exactly what you are going through as I went though the failing health with my dad when he was fighting cancer. At the end, he decided to not have treatments and to live his life the way he wanted, as well as he could.Through the help of my friends, I was able to stay strong and be there for my family and especially my dad. If you need anyone or would love to have the company of more friends around (including ones you haven't seen in a while), please, please let me know and I will be there. I'm a rock/boulder when I need to be.

  2. pentalia says:

    My heart goes out to you, dear. I know you and your family are going through a difficult time. My mom fought cancer for 10 years starting at age 45, and I think you've got the right idea, "I know she's tired and I know that perhaps it's time for her to get to sit on the sidelines and enjoy the game that comes next…"You are in my thoughts, and remember that every moment with your mom, no matter how long her life may be, is time to cherish.-amanda (Alix's mom)

  3. idyll hands says:

    Michelle and Amanda – thank you sooo much for your words. You both knew exactly what to say. I worried about posting this – but knew many people were staying up to date with what was going on in my life with this blog, so say it I did.Michelle – I'm going to need a trip to Austin after all of this, I already told Melodie a trip is in order (she'd have to drive into town I suppose) but perhaps some Mexican Martinis at Trudy's with the girls? 🙂

  4. Melodie Ann says:

    Oh and I'm only an hour from Austin. Consider me there.

  5. christina says:

    Ironically, I read this post while I was a therapist/counselor at a camp for children who are grieving the loss of a loved one. Whatever you need, if you have questions or just need to vent or talk to someone, please call me.Also, count me in on the Austin trip!love you girl – and I'm praying for you and your family.

  6. Mia says:

    Hugs!! I went through the same thing last year. So I know what you have been through. She is not in pain now and that is what matters. Send me a DM on Twitter or Rav if you need to talk to someone who has been in the same place.

  7. julia says:

    My God, Erin. I just caught up with you today and I'm incredibly sad at reading this. We had been in touch about eleven months ago when your mom was still able to fight with everything she had. I'm sorry you had to let her go.My heart goes out to you and I wish you the strength and support that you need.

  8. Karen Mountain says:

    Your mom was so proud of you and it’s so obvious why. You are a beautiful woman inside and out. You were such a blessing in her life. I aspire to be the kind of loving and dedicated mother that she was. I pray that my boys and I have a wonderful relationship like your mom had with the four of you. I’m so sorry that she left so soon. Life just doesn’t seem fair. I love you!!!

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